In this reading, the spiritual master Sri Prem Baba invites us to make very deep reflections on the mechanisms that prevent us from experiencing honest relationships and how to revert this picture to live a fuller life.
- 1 To Love and Be Free: The Basis for a New Society
- 2 Mechanisms of Sabotage in Relationships
- 3 How to Get Rid of Emotional Wounds
- 4 How to live the new relationship model
- 5 Conclusion
- 6 How about you?
To Love and Be Free: The Basis for a New Society
Why there is so much repression in relation to sexuality
Generally, religion, which has great influence on the imaginary of society, do not conceive harmony between sex and spirituality according to the author. The problem is that this fact makes no sense because spirituality is synonymous with integration. Sexuality goes far beyond the union of the sexual organs: it is the movement of the vital energy in your body. It permeates and influences your whole life, for it is the most basic expression of life itself.
So, if you want to know where your life is, look at your sexuality. If your sexuality is immersed in the fantasy world, your life is in the same place. If you are feeling overwhelmed, your life is overwhelmed. For all these implications, it is expected that if we deny sex, we are automatically denying a part of ourselves.
So why is there such an extreme separation between spirituality and sexuality?
Out of fear. We are afraid of the power of sexuality and of losing control by tapping into it.
And, much of this fear is explained historically. During a phase of the evolution of human consciousness, sexuality began to be repressed because its expression was a channel for the manifestation of brutality, cruelty, and animality among people. Values such as respect and gentleness hardly existed in this period.
Then, because of man’s inability to deal with his shadows, sex as a natural expression of life has been misrepresented for a long time. As a direct result of this, the vital energy has been distorted, creating a link between pain and pleasure, better known as sadomasochism.
Why is there so much suffering in relationships?
In the old model, in seeking a relationship, we want someone who can, most of the time, reassure our ego. The other works as a mirror that reflects your reality. At all times we are in front of this mirror asking “mirror, my mirror, is there anyone more beautiful than me?”
And the answer we expect is, “No, you’re the most beautiful person in the world.”
However, when the mirror responds: “yes. Snow White is more beautiful, “we have left romanticism aside and become wild beasts. Getting a “no” is enough to crucify the other. In this model, the other is also a channel of purging our hatred. We are loaded with revenge and we need someone to relieve the pressure.
Otherwise, we implode. The other person is a channel of relief and torture, which is often disguised as love. We say “I love you,” but we totally disempower the other making him feel insecure. We make him not believe in his own power. We are unhappy and we want someone to blame.
So marriage becomes a battlefield, through which we can at most re-edit our childish wounds. That is why, in the old model of marriage, there is no room for an authentic union, since we spend most of the time searching for the passing joy that comes from ego satisfaction.
However, it is impossible to sustain this lie for too long. The masks begin to fall away. People are looking for something but do not know exactly what they are looking for. In fact, they are looking for a part of themselves in the other and delude themselves with the idea that the other is the source of their happiness. By the very opposite, this idea is the great source of suffering in relationships.
What relationships really are for
If life as a whole is a school, relationships are the college stage within that.
Through them, we have the chance to mature the human values that make possible our evolution. The other, regardless of who it is, always functions as a mirror that reflects parts of ourselves that we are not seeing yet.Sometimes the other reflects the luminous aspects of our personality, and sometimes the dark aspects.
Generally, we avoid tapping into our lower nature that we still do not accept. So, the other reflects those parts that we are somehow denying in ourselves. Nevertheless, for these pieces to be integrated, they first must be mapped out. Therefore, relationships represent a pivotal aspect of the evolution of human consciousness.
Mechanisms of Sabotage in Relationships
According to the spiritual master, there are several ways we damage our relationships. Sometimes there are mistaken assumptions, sometimes behaviors misaligned with that primary purpose of relationships.
Let’s comment on some of them below.
“Walt Disney” Syndrome
Although the syndrome’s nickname is a joke, it is something very serious. There are many spiritual seekers committed to finding a life partner and having children. Usually, they believe that through this combo they will find lasting happiness – hence the Disney’s name.
However, this is a misconception according to Prem Baba. In fact, this is much more a social conditioning that has been going on for several centuries through the generations. Unfortunately, many feel overwhelmed when they do not meet the expectations of family or society. When they meet, then the problem turns to frustration because they are not fulfilling their own dreams.
In fact, if everyone could follow their heart, the number of children would probably decrease. You must agree that it is unfair to bring a being to this planet only because you want someone to take care of you or for any other reason that comes from any helplessness or imposed conditioning, isn’t it? In this model, you are playing against yourself and making your own liberation tougher.
The main characteristic of this game is the following: sometimes we are the sadist, sometimes we are the masochist. Playing the sadist, we attack and humiliate the other with our false power to dominate him. The pseudo-independent plays like “I do not need you”, “I do not care” are trademarks of the sadist. Through this attitude, he tacitly wants to create a dependency on the other.
On the other hand, we use humiliation to gain power in the role of masochists. The strategy is to victimize yourself to show how cruel and guilty the other is to our unhappiness. In this theater, we pretend to be more fragile than we really are, moving away from the responsibility of pursuing our own happiness.
Regardless of the strategy, both aim domination. Basically, the goal is to have our expectations met by the other, which is a dead end.
Become aware of your fantasies and sexual tendencies. They give very clear clues on how the vital energy blocks came to be, Baba says. As mentioned earlier, much of the anguish we are experiencing is based on sexual repression. This repression commonly manifests itself in the form of sexual fantasies.
Although it is a delicate topic for covering many taboos and shames, this study is very important to find solutions to seemingly unrelated problems. It does not matter if the problem is financial, professional or health, its root can be in this repression.
As an example, a man the author oriented had the fantasy of having sex with two women at the same time. After running the psychological investigations, what his patient truly wanted was to harmonize the roles of the two women who raised him, the mother and the aunt. That is because he was often fought by both of them, and was guilty of all this confusion. Sexual fantasies always reveal aspects of consciousness that have not yet been properly integrated.
The compulsion for variety, lack of sexual interest, isolation and immediate involvement with someone by unconscious attraction are mechanisms for sabotaging relashionships as well.
Let’s examine each one of them.
Because of sexual repression, it is often impossible for one to commit to monogamy. What happens is that the people who have been greatly repressed are curious to know what they were forbidden to know. Then, sexual variety ends up being a relief for them. So, if you find yourself at this stage, it is best not to commit yourself until that momentum melts away.
If you are already engaged in a relationship, the variety may appear by your will or your partner’s to see other people. Maybe both of you are curious to check out what other people have to offer. When this happens, the impulse to control the other usually comes in as a way to avoid greater suffering. We believe that we will not bear letting go and we are overwhelmed by the fear of loneliness. So we started using our tools to “force” the other to love us. But this is a sabotage, a delusion. We cannot hold anybody back.
If we do, the other person will be angry with us and probably will backfire. Thus, we will be creating more unnecessary suffering for ourselves. Let the other be free.
Maybe he’ll gather the experience he needs and come back. If there is love, he will come back. Obviously, we are taking a risk and that is part of life. It is possible that he is still far from having any insight about love and then does not come back.
So, life goes on.
The most important thing in the process is to see the other’s qualities and miseries, without shutting your heart. This should be no reason to stop loving him or her. Above all, you are welcoming parts in you that you did not love before.
Lack of Sexual Interest
Paradoxically, marriage is an obstacle to thriving relationships. More specifically, the ideal created around marriage and family. Instead of promoting union, marriage has been a great enemy of love because the erotic force and curiosity that is born when lovers meet usually die when they marry. This is because we accomplish our fantasy of being “the sole and eternal owner of the other.” In other words, then we get tired of this play.
Usually, this happens because the relationship gets up to a point that triggers shame, hurt or resentment. More specifically, when it comes to a point that calls for the revelation of some dark aspect of our personality that we do not want to show to anyone, not even to ourselves.
Thus, the channel of revelation closes. So if we are not willing to deal with the shade, eros will retreat. Dealing with the shadow means not being afraid to reveal ourselves, to show ourselves to the other.
The main excuse used for not integrating the shade is usually hurt and resentment. Taken by these feelings, we shut ourselves and lose our admiration for each other. So eros gradually dies of hunger and we either go looking for someone else or we stay with the same person waiting for death to come.
Spiritual Celibate People
Another barrier to the full experience of relationships is the mask of “spiritualization.” The pseudo serene, who wears this mask, behaves as if he were above others and worldly things. In this context, relationships are useful to test where we are on the awareness journey. This is because some aspects of our personality that need integration will only be activated through that kind of experience.
Many times we want to devote ourselves more to spiritual practices, but life brings us a passion instead. It’s all right. Yet this experience can be felt as a failure because we get aware of our limitations, even though we may be a little ahead in the spiritual journey.
Baba even quotes a case in which a spiritual seeker was unhappy about having to “go back to the world” after tapping into wider spiritual experiences. Conversely, the spiritual master recommended that man to go on a date. Even annoyed, he accepted the master’s suggestion and put it into practice.
Within the relationship, he realized a deep anger that was buried in his subconscious mind. He was just running away from relationships because he had the urge to kill the very people he fell in love with.
In other words, several shadows may be disguised by the mask of the deepest goodness and the highest enlightenment. The fact is that no one is free from the school of relationships. If you try to quit school, you’re probably tired of getting bad grades. Only when you can go around the world and not cling up to anything, then you will be free.
You also do not necessarily need to get involved if you feel attraction
The attraction knocks on the door when we least expect it, but we must be careful not to fool ourselves. We do not need to get involved with every person we feel attracted to. Instead, this attraction must primarily offer a study material for self-knowledge.
What are we seeking in that person that we are not finding ourselves at this time?
It may be the soul’s need, but may also be an addiction or void space that only you can fill up.
Why do you have to take someone else’s beauty for you? Does not that point out a work of self-esteem that needs to be done internally?
By letting ourselves simply be driven by the pull of attraction, without observing its nature, we can once again sabotage our relationships.
There are times when we feel attraction because our soul needs to live a different experience in order to expand. To distinguish one situation from another is a matter of self-knowledge. Over time, we get to a place from where we can tell the vice from the real need of the soul.
In any case, when it comes the time, make an honest self-assessment to identify what your soul needs to expand at that moment.
Is it to go deeper into a relationship, to change or to be alone? The three possibilities are valid.
The important thing is not to be fooled, that is, not to be alone to escape from a relationship or seek variety to escape the deepening.
Also, If you need variety, but feel guilty about morality, relax. This is not your time to deepen. Trying to delve into a relationship without authentically wanting it in your heart can only bring more pain. You have no conditions right now.
Do not want to be where you cannot be because that is one of the things that makes the expansion of consciousness more difficult.
How to Get Rid of Emotional Wounds
Releasing our grievances is critical to the health of relationships, according to the psychologist. This healing occurs through forgiveness and gratitude. This is only possible when we understand and accept what we still do not accept in our family relationships, especially with our mother and father.
The mother is the first channel for structuring consciousness. The second is the father, as he is recognized later. The third channel is God, which is usually a projection of the parents, a mental representation. These are the three channels that structure the consciousness, through which we can discover our true identity.
In other terms, we are talking about the negative, the positive and the neutral that are expressions of nature. When we harmonize with these three forces, the purification is completed and we can become a pure channel of expression of the divine consciousness.
So all healing work starts with an investigation into how your relationship with your mother is, for she is channel number one, after all, she has brought you into existence. The relationship with the mother is as accurate as sexuality trends for consciousness measurement. After the mother’s channel, the father’s one is gradually being awakened, as ego develops.
But, if you feel or deduce by the symptoms in your life that the most unbalanced channel is father’s, you can begin the healing work through him, for one channel leads to the other and vice versa. Regardless of which gateway you need to work on, the medicine remains the same, that is, forgiveness and gratitude.
To do this, it is necessary to exhaustively understand your parents to release the denied feelings that support you relating to your inner child who believes not to have been loved in childhood.
Exercises for Healing
The practice is to observe whether love is flowing freely in the direction of your mother. Simple and powerful, this practice usually generates resistance because it leads to internal spaces charged with old memories. In practice, it is important to retreat yourself during the process. Avoid distractions and unnecessary conversations for the next 24 hours so you do not waste the energy that can be used in your healing.
With your eyes closed, take a deep breath and let your mother’s image come to your mind and feel:
Is your heart open to her?
- Do you feel you can cherish her for bringing you into this world?
- Can you point out in your body this vibration of gratitude or is it just something rational? (Do not play the good boy or good girl)
Ask yourself and respond honestly:
- Do I have any shame, hurt or anger at her?
- Would you like her to be different in some regard?
- How did she treat me like a child? Was she always present? Did she protect me and give me care and love?
During these 24 hours retreat, call your mother often, be it mother, mama, mommy and so on. Repeat it as a way to intensify the process of reflection and access files that are deeper in the conscious and subconscious mind. Generally, not feeling anything can be a sign of hiding, that is, a protection for not getting in touch with the true feelings. Allow yourself to break this “normalness,” this passive manifestation of anger that gives us the feeling that everything is ok, like an anesthesia.
In this way, we must have the courage to face the unpleasant parts of our history and accept them with tranquility. In this process, we come to accept when we can face and truly understand them. Part of this dynamics often involves releasing repressed feelings.
If internal contents come to the surface, write a letter to your mother. Writing helps a lot in the emotional release, as it is also a kind of catharsis. Write everything the way it comes out, without filters, even if it’s like a “vomit.” In his letter, you can express everything you have never had the courage to say, putting out what is really choking.
However, do not send the letter. Most of the time, you are communicating with an image, not with real people. If you deliver it to your mother, she may not understand your feelings very well and this would only increase the separation between you.
Instead, burn the letter after a while, when you feel you have already released the feelings expressed there. Remember, expressing everything in writing is essential to crafting your content and air a part of yourself less visited.
Also, the dialogue is a powerful tool if there is enough maturity on both sides. Often, by talking to the person, you discover what is true, a lie or just an imagination. But when that is not possible, the best instrument still is the letter.
Lastly, repeat the process focusing on your father the next day. If you happen to focus on the father’s gateway initially and end up opening it, that’s okay. If so, just change the mantra to “father” and follow the same steps. This process of healing the wounded child does not happen overnight, but instead, in a very organic and natural way.
Repeat the process whenever you identify conflict points in the relationship with your partner that has to do with your parents.
How to live the new relationship model
First, one must nurture admiration for your companion and be open about their sores and shames. As explained earlier, eros is fueled by intimacy and curiosity about the other. For the couple to succeed in this process it is important to make a commitment to schedule at least one time during the week for a playful dating.
This is a special time for the couple to get out of routine and use creativity to live a different experience, cultivating love and friendship. This ritual is a way out of sameness, which is the main barrier to passion. On this day, it is good for the couple to block against any external interference, obligations or tensions. Although this meeting, in a way, ends up becoming a ritual, it should always have something new.
Above fights, jealousy or any conflict that may be occurring in the relationship, the couple should then seize the moment to do the following exercise.
In an atmosphere of serenity, the couple sits facing each other. Then they look into each other’s eyes and begin to breathe together. So, bring to consciousness and reflect on what you are afraid of sharing for some reason. Soon after, the couple assesses if they want to share this content.
All of this happens without judging, without condemning, criticizing or falling into the very wounds of insecurity, control, fear and so on. Quite on the contrary, with honesty, gentleness, love, and consideration for the other.
As you feel more secure, open up a little more and share. This is a precious exercise for the partners who aspire to the New Marriage. The advantage is that it can be performed any time a challenge arises and be incorporated into the special language that couples usually create in the relationship.
Whenever you feel shut or hurt, call the other person, sit in front of him/her, look in the eyes, check if he/she is open at the moment and talk about what bothers you. It takes a lot of maturity to get it right. It will take work to cleanse the heart, shed unshed tears, put out untold protests and clean it all.
At first, it may seem harder than it is, but it is perfectly possible to reignite passion again if both of the partners are willing to. However, if one is already in love with someone outside the relationship, then it’s too late.
Some couples, after a time of apart, end up getting back together, but in this case, it’s like a new relationship. They have already had time to work out, understand and forgive. They have had the opportunity to live what they needed to live.
Solitude is essential
One of the main points to be understood in order to experience the new relationship model is that you cannot stay with each other if you cannot stay with yourself. If you really want to move from the old to the New Marriage, you must learn to observe, to meditate and to contemplate. This is because solitude is a condition for self-realization.
This is an issue that needs to be deeply understood so that there is no misinterpretation. The solitude or let go of family, marriage, children or the world is one aspect of spiritual surrender. At some point in the journey, this happens naturally. In India, this is very common. At a certain stage of life, a person leaves family, work, and children and retreats from the world. It is a very old practice, based on the Vedic scriptures, which is already part of the culture.
But we can not simply copy this model, for the mental structure of a Westerner is completely different from Easterners. The author usually gives the example of the child who has played enough with the toy and does not want to play with it anymore.
The kid does not want to play but also does not reject the toy. That is a transcendence. On the other hand, if you still want to play and do not play or oppose for any reason, this is a repression.
Likewise, by condemning sex, you get stuck with it. By understanding its holiness and its role in the evolutionary game, you free yourself from it, that is, you no longer need it. Not by mere opposition, but because you have transcended relating to the body.
In both cases, the visible result is the same, that of not playing, even though the internal dispositions are opposite. With that in mind, it is clear that letting go is not running away. After all, it is not possible to transcend the world by fleeing from life, but by living it to its fullest expression.
So, value solitude.
Sex does not have to end in orgasm
Here comes another key knowledge, which is the let go of expectations. One must learn to navigate the wisdom of uncertainty. This means not imagining or holding onto a particular outcome out of any situation. When you do not expect things to happen in a certain way, you open yourself to the field of infinite possibilities. This key is very important because it frees us from the need to have to get somewhere within the relationship, more specifically within the sexual act.
In relation to it, there is this deep-rooted belief that it is mandatory to reach orgasm. This, of course, generates an anxiety in reaching the apex of excitement, to the point where it is inevitable to go back. Because of this, many people are frustrated that they can not reach orgasm easily.
Without going deeply into this, the author suggests to the couple who are seeking to live a new relationship to break free from this goal set by the collective mind. Being present, open, attentive to the signs that manifest themselves in the energy interaction between the two, free of the orgasm obligation, it is possible to notice that the sexual energy grows and oscillates, goes up and down.
The sexual fire increases and decreases, until another type of ecstasy, that is, another type of orgasm can manifest, which is subtle, internal, without ejaculation, and does not generate energy loss. At this point, partners can sit side by side to meditate. Meditation integrates and harmonizes energy, creating a luminous harmony between partners. It is made at that specific time that the couple chooses to explore sexuality.
Then, at the end of the sex, still naked, try to close your eyes and synchronize the breath. Finally, observe the emptiness between the thoughts until you feel it is time to stop.
Freedom is the word
Freedom is the ultimate quality of the new marriage. One must also be free of the rules created within the old model. We cannot attach ourselves to someone else’s ways of doing things. We must, of course, be free to follow the path of our heart. It means being open to truly knowing the other person.
Our tendency when meeting someone is to immediately insert that person into our dream and expectations. That only generates frustration and ends the possibility of knowing what the other has to offer.
Baba even suggests that couples assess the real need to live together, marrying or having children. Living in separate homes can be a great tool to help transition from the old to the new marriage, to keep the passion lit up.
The ultimate proof of the new relationship is to be able to set the other person free, not even to love us.
This is the final initiation. To reach this point, it is first necessary to awaken love within us. When we can set the other free, even not to love us, it means that we have rescued self-confidence and freed ourselves from the main energy drain, the root of all the psycho-emotional diseases of the human being: lack of self-love.
Only self-love allows such a freedom.
Successful relationships end
In the new model of relationship, there is a natural closing time, so each soul moves on in the spiritual journey. This happens when you end a learning cycle in the relationship. At that point, you shut yourself off and your heart opens to an experience of pure friendship. In order to attain this state, it is first necessary to release sorrows, resentments and learn what has to be learned in that particular relationship.
While this does not happen, even by changing relationships, you remain stuck in the past through hate bonds. There comes a time when the soul cries out to continue its evolution, and for this reason, it will have to close any loose ends that have been left behind. Then, when the soul is ready, this ending occurs spontaneously.
“Love is a flower, and compassion is the perfume of that flower, and the seed of the flower is sex. And if the seed is contaminated by hatred and fear, the flower of love can never blossom.”
Religion and sexuality have not had a pacific coexistence throughout history, which explains much of our culture of repression to sex. However, sexuality is synonymous with unity and life, that is, we cannot deny it since it is part of our nature.
What’s more, it is extremely important to understand the real purpose of relationships: self-knowledge. The lack of this notion is precisely why there are so many unhappy relationships in the world. Without evaluating our tendencies of pleasure in pain, of sexual fantasies and affection trends we will be moving in circles. To reverse this situation, the most effective way is to seek harmony with your father and mother and to build relationships based on freedom, transparency, and self-knowledge.
All of this is essential so that people can heal themselves of their lack of self-love, which is the basis of all the ills we know. Thus, consciousness expands, people become self-sufficient and love simply happens as a consequence.
How about you?
Can you relate to any?
I would love to talk to you in the comments below. 🙂
Anyways, I think you might also like to read Purpose: The Courage to be Who You Are